I’ve always had perfect vision. Coming from a family that has many members in need of glasses, I really figured as I aged my vision would begin to deteriorate and I’d be visiting an eye doctor myself. Yet, here I am having still not stepped into an optometrist office at the age of 38. When I wake in the morning there is no fumbling for glasses, no having to put contacts in before I can even put a pot of coffee on; I simply can open my eyes and see the beauty of the world around me in full focus.
My foresight through life, on the other hand, hasn’t always been clear. There are many, in fact, I’d dare to say most experiences in life come with a blurry view when we are in those darkest hours. Fourteen years ago I was in the middle of my dark place of infertility. It’s one of the loneliest, hardest and taxing roller coaster rides a person can ever go on. It comes with the highest of hopes and the deepest of disappointments and it’s a cycle on repeat for months and months until it turns into years and years. After a while, it begins to callous your heart with bitterness, envy, and pure jealous anger as you watch friends, sisters, sister in laws, single teenagers, and even strangers getting handed the one thing you want, sometimes without them even wanting it themselves. Excited facebook announcements, prayer requests for expecting mothers, even walking down the store aisles makes you feel like the kid with food allergies that can’t have the special treat but still has to sit and watch everyone else eat it. People may offer an alternative for you that seems so easy and no big deal to them, but all you really want is the big, frosted cupcake like everyone else has. If you are in the middle of this struggle, please know I get it and I am sorry. Every feeling of envy and sadness I get, I remember it, and I hurt with you. I can’t tell you it gets easier in the moments, but I can tell you that when you’re on the other side you are going to be able to see so much clearer, and may even regret the pain you unknowingly caused others with your bitterness.
You see it’s true that hindsight is 20/20, twelve years on the other side of the fence has cleared my viewpoint to be able to see that no one was out to hurt me more. That simply because it was easy for them to become parents they weren’t trying to make it harder on me. Truth be known that friend put off as long as possible before even trying for their baby and then spent weeks worrying about how to tell me, waiting, hoping maybe I’d be able to announce I was pregnant before she had to break the news to me. I know now she probably lost sleep on what the best way to tell me was. She went back and forth wanting to tell me in person so she could give me a hug and tell me how sorry she was or texting me so I could have space to process and deal with the sadness on my own time without worrying about her. She reserved her happiness and joy the whole pregnancy because she didn’t want to cause me more pain and she prayed for me. Every day she prayed I’d get the desires of my heart too.
That acquaintance that just made the facebook announcement. She wasn’t trying to rub it in. She was simply sharing her excitement so others could join in on her celebration, the same way I would want to share my joy with Facebook friends and family when it was my turn. She wasn’t trying to hurt me. Odds are she had her own personal friends and family that have struggled and her heart thought of all of us women before pushing post.
That pregnant teenager in Walmart. She chose life. She didn’t want this. It wasn’t planned or tried for. She wished she could change it to be me, but she couldn’t. So instead she was brave and strong and appreciated the life that was given to her, asked for or not. She thinks it is extremely unfair too. She could have chosen to kill this little gift. She could have discarded it to save me from having to see her pregnant belly and herself a lot of pain, but she didn’t. She chose life!
Foresight vision is bad. It’s hard to see anything but that green, green grass on the other side of the fence when our side is so brown and dry, but even in the darkest places, we have a choice to look past our own circumstances and into the heart of someone else and turn that horrible foresight vision into a perfect 20/20. It may not be crystal clear right away, but with Jesus, love, understanding, and the taking up of our cross we have the perfect prescription for clear vision even in the darkest moments.
I won’t always have perfect vision. It will deteriorate as my eyes age. I am sure someday I won’t wake up to a perfectly clear view of my world anymore. But I’m thankful that my most painful days, both those in the past and to come, will continue to only improve my heavenly vision and if I allow Him, that God will continue to soften my heart to see things through His perfect eyes in the midst of the hard times and before it becomes hindsight.
Sentiments and Sarcasm 